Mundane Musings

 I have a mundane existence. There is no variation in my day to day doings. I wake up, go to work. Come home. Repeat. I feel pressed down. I actually feel a plethora of emotions. The lost of my mom was the deepest cut. Feeling really alone in this world of 7 billion. She was the person I could talk to the most. Now I'm in a house that is falling apart, filled with clutter. I spend some of my off days chucking stuff in the rubbish. But I really need to hire somebody to move this clutter. I really don't have a social life. Never had a dating life.I feel I'm unmatchable. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I don't have any guy friends, so I really don't know anything about romance and such. I've been single all my life. I guess I probably always will be. I suppose I never put a lot of effort into romantic pursuits. I have put a lot of effort into trying to be a writer that gets published. But so far that's been a bust. All three if my manuscripts, rejected. Maybe my fourth will be the charm. It's still the only dream I have. I really would like to achieve it, even more than a relationship. I once tried self-publishing. Sold ten copies. Spent eight months on dating sites. Facebook friends with a guy, who lives in Canada. Spent thousands on hair growth this and that. Still can't rubber band a strand. I will end my mundane musings here.

The Mourning

My Rose

A decade

I started this writing blog almost a decade ago. My main reason was because I heard of people getting discovered by literary agents through blogging and twitter. But of course that didn't happen to me. So I just write because I really love writing and that is how I best express myself. Although I wish my words could be seen by the world, I am the only one that sees them, even though it's online. I really would like a writing career more than anything. Retail has drained most of my life energy and I really have no desire for any other line of work. Sometimes I wish I would have done things different in my youth. I should have just studied Library Science since I love books and reading. Now my youth is dwindling and my dream is just that a dream. 

I don't mind getting older but I really wish I was closer to my dream. Sometimes I feel I wasted so much of my youth and energy trying Computer Science and constantly failing in classes. But I know you can't dwell on the past. But it has directed my present state. When I read about people and their self-publishing successes, I thought I might have the same outcome. But none the less it wasn't so.It's been seven years since I took my dreams in my own hands and self-published. It didn't turn into a career. Sometimes I feel like a loser because I'm not good or excel at a lot of things. I'm not a rocket scientist or a math whiz. I'm just a creative person with imagination bursting at the seams. I just wish I could do the one thing I'm really passionate about. Writing for a living.

Feelings/Gray Skies

The skies are gray. These eyes never dry. The scream surges up my throat. It takes too much to keep them at bay. Joy was lost somewhere between 27 and 35. My blood boils with anger. My fists clench. The skies are gray. I am blue. No Pollyanna words can assuage my feelings. Unmoored. I drift in a sea of faces. I don't want to be in these places. Antisocial. It takes so much energy to be vocal. The gray skies remain. Am I insane? The gray skies wait outside my window. The anger grows. I want to punch faces. The rain falls from my eyes. I don't want to be in this place.

The End of September

Adolescent Scars

It has been a long time since I was a teenaged individual but I remember those days more so than my years in the twenties. Although the twenties is when there were actual songs I could relate to (thankyou, Avril Lavigne and Michelle Branch). Of course like today there are films aimed at teens, it was the same for me in the late nineties. She’s All That, Ten Things I hate About You, Clueless, etc. But of course since Hollywood glosses most things over, none of those teen movies reflected my life. There was no cute, dimpled faced boy who would smile and hold the hand of a girl with glasses too big for her face, skin populated with pimples and more timid than a rabbit. As a matter fact I would have had to been made over with a full make-up kit, silken locks, short shirt and ditched the glasses (like in She’s All That). Then dimple boy and all boys would fall sneakers over head for me, according to Hollywood. Because you couldn’t be uniquely yourself and have people like you. I know foreign concept.
But I didn’t buy into what Hollywood was selling. I knew some boy wasn’t my knight in shining armor (I’m talking to you fairytale) when teenaged boys and girls are barely kids but not yet adults, so why should we put pressure on ourselves to be mating and dating by the time we’re sixteen. And then you’re made to feel some like some bizarre creature because you don’t do those things. I was the teenaged girl without the boyfriend. Heck that weren’t even my friend (boys). But I didn’t feel like my world was collapsing because my crushes chose other girls. In a Hollywood film I would have been. But I never was boy crazy. I went to the mall, I never got or gave my digits. I would hear about all the girls taking about the fine boys that talk to all night on the phone. Half of me cared and the other half didn’t.
By the time my senior year came around I still wasn’t one half of a boy/girl duo, but it didn’t bother me. I wrote poetry, love the French language, and had an after school job for two years. Prom came around, I didn’t scramble for a date or wanted to lose my virginity (a staple in Hollywood teen films).  I went to prom stag. I was decked out in gold satin (the only time I have ever worn heels). I’m a flat and tennis shoe girl. So my teen years were like anything you would see on film, maybe Freaks and Geeks was truer to my life than anything else. I was awkward (still am). A book worm (still am). Didn’t grow up too fast. (No fake ids to get into clubs). My world isn’t collapsing because a guy hasn’t chosen me. I am able to decipher reel life from real life. And Hollywood doesn’t come close. (Don’t get me started on the whole need a date for a wedding thing).