Monday, January 10, 2022
Friday, April 26, 2019
A decade
I started this writing blog almost a decade ago. My main reason was because I heard of people getting discovered by literary agents through blogging and twitter. But of course that didn't happen to me. So I just write because I really love writing and that is how I best express myself. Although I wish my words could be seen by the world, I am the only one that sees them, even though it's online. I really would like a writing career more than anything. Retail has drained most of my life energy and I really have no desire for any other line of work. Sometimes I wish I would have done things different in my youth. I should have just studied Library Science since I love books and reading. Now my youth is dwindling and my dream is just that a dream.
I don't mind getting older but I really wish I was closer to my dream. Sometimes I feel I wasted so much of my youth and energy trying Computer Science and constantly failing in classes. But I know you can't dwell on the past. But it has directed my present state. When I read about people and their self-publishing successes, I thought I might have the same outcome. But none the less it wasn't so.It's been seven years since I took my dreams in my own hands and self-published. It didn't turn into a career. Sometimes I feel like a loser because I'm not good or excel at a lot of things. I'm not a rocket scientist or a math whiz. I'm just a creative person with imagination bursting at the seams. I just wish I could do the one thing I'm really passionate about. Writing for a living.
I don't mind getting older but I really wish I was closer to my dream. Sometimes I feel I wasted so much of my youth and energy trying Computer Science and constantly failing in classes. But I know you can't dwell on the past. But it has directed my present state. When I read about people and their self-publishing successes, I thought I might have the same outcome. But none the less it wasn't so.It's been seven years since I took my dreams in my own hands and self-published. It didn't turn into a career. Sometimes I feel like a loser because I'm not good or excel at a lot of things. I'm not a rocket scientist or a math whiz. I'm just a creative person with imagination bursting at the seams. I just wish I could do the one thing I'm really passionate about. Writing for a living.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Feelings/Gray Skies
The skies are gray. These eyes never dry. The scream surges up my throat. It takes too much to keep them at bay. Joy was lost somewhere between 27 and 35. My blood boils with anger. My fists clench. The skies are gray. I am blue. No Pollyanna words can assuage my feelings. Unmoored. I drift in a sea of faces. I don't want to be in these places. Antisocial. It takes so much energy to be vocal. The gray skies remain. Am I insane? The gray skies wait outside my window. The anger grows. I want to punch faces. The rain falls from my eyes. I don't want to be in this place.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Adolescent Scars
It has been a long time since I was a teenaged individual but I
remember those days more so than my years in the twenties. Although the
twenties is when there were actual songs I could relate to (thankyou,
Avril Lavigne and Michelle Branch). Of course like today there are films
aimed at teens, it was the same for me in the late nineties. She’s All That, Ten Things I hate About You, Clueless, etc. But
of course since Hollywood glosses most things over, none of those teen
movies reflected my life. There was no cute, dimpled faced boy who would
smile and hold the hand of a girl with glasses too big for her face,
skin populated with pimples and more timid than a rabbit. As a matter
fact I would have had to been made over with a full make-up kit, silken
locks, short shirt and ditched the glasses (like in She’s All That).
Then dimple boy and all boys would fall sneakers over head for me,
according to Hollywood. Because you couldn’t be uniquely yourself and
have people like you. I know foreign concept.
But I didn’t buy into what Hollywood was selling. I knew some boy wasn’t my knight in shining armor (I’m talking to you fairytale) when teenaged boys and girls are barely kids but not yet adults, so why should we put pressure on ourselves to be mating and dating by the time we’re sixteen. And then you’re made to feel some like some bizarre creature because you don’t do those things. I was the teenaged girl without the boyfriend. Heck that weren’t even my friend (boys). But I didn’t feel like my world was collapsing because my crushes chose other girls. In a Hollywood film I would have been. But I never was boy crazy. I went to the mall, I never got or gave my digits. I would hear about all the girls taking about the fine boys that talk to all night on the phone. Half of me cared and the other half didn’t.
By the time my senior year came around I still wasn’t one half of a boy/girl duo, but it didn’t bother me. I wrote poetry, love the French language, and had an after school job for two years. Prom came around, I didn’t scramble for a date or wanted to lose my virginity (a staple in Hollywood teen films). I went to prom stag. I was decked out in gold satin (the only time I have ever worn heels). I’m a flat and tennis shoe girl. So my teen years were like anything you would see on film, maybe Freaks and Geeks was truer to my life than anything else. I was awkward (still am). A book worm (still am). Didn’t grow up too fast. (No fake ids to get into clubs). My world isn’t collapsing because a guy hasn’t chosen me. I am able to decipher reel life from real life. And Hollywood doesn’t come close. (Don’t get me started on the whole need a date for a wedding thing).
But I didn’t buy into what Hollywood was selling. I knew some boy wasn’t my knight in shining armor (I’m talking to you fairytale) when teenaged boys and girls are barely kids but not yet adults, so why should we put pressure on ourselves to be mating and dating by the time we’re sixteen. And then you’re made to feel some like some bizarre creature because you don’t do those things. I was the teenaged girl without the boyfriend. Heck that weren’t even my friend (boys). But I didn’t feel like my world was collapsing because my crushes chose other girls. In a Hollywood film I would have been. But I never was boy crazy. I went to the mall, I never got or gave my digits. I would hear about all the girls taking about the fine boys that talk to all night on the phone. Half of me cared and the other half didn’t.
By the time my senior year came around I still wasn’t one half of a boy/girl duo, but it didn’t bother me. I wrote poetry, love the French language, and had an after school job for two years. Prom came around, I didn’t scramble for a date or wanted to lose my virginity (a staple in Hollywood teen films). I went to prom stag. I was decked out in gold satin (the only time I have ever worn heels). I’m a flat and tennis shoe girl. So my teen years were like anything you would see on film, maybe Freaks and Geeks was truer to my life than anything else. I was awkward (still am). A book worm (still am). Didn’t grow up too fast. (No fake ids to get into clubs). My world isn’t collapsing because a guy hasn’t chosen me. I am able to decipher reel life from real life. And Hollywood doesn’t come close. (Don’t get me started on the whole need a date for a wedding thing).
Friday, March 18, 2016
Stressed Out by twenty one pilots lyrics
This song speaks to me, I often reminisce about the good ol' days and being a kid transitioning into a teen in the 90s. I don't recall hearing about shootings all the time when I would watch the 10p.m news. Cartoons were so much better. I looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons. Now they don't exist. I use to record songs off the radio. I always hated when the DJ would take over the beginning of the song. "I'm not trying to hear you in my song." There was better music back then. Before auto tune, and talk singing. Women singers didn't resemble strippers like they do now. And there was no social media, I don't think I would be able to survive my teen years today, with the way you can be cyber bullied. I was call names like ugly, retarded and four eyed growing up. But imagine those words with horrible memes of you posted on computers and cellular devices. With that being said I would go back to the 90s with my 2016 knowledge and I would have pursued a literary career from the beginning. English was my best and favorite subject. I was drawing and writing stories at the age of 9. I should have honed my writing craft. Instead I decided to pursue computer programming which lead to failure and bad grades and dropping classes. While I was failing with ones and zeros, I could have been learning foreshadowing and other literary devices. It wasn't until after college, and futile attempts to become part of corporate America that I decided to write again. I did take some creative writing classes. So twelve years ago, which also happened to be year of the ram (my Chinese zodiac sign) I wrote my first crappy manuscript. Four manuscripts later I still have this dream but I don't care if people tell me to wake up, you need to make money. I'm tired of being stressed out.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Unrequited
The flowers have long since
wilted
Chocolate kisses have melted
You never came
I tire of plucking petals
Being a starry-eyed
maid-in-waiting…
For you to come
Bleeding love?
My heart has turned tortoise
shell
You took too long
The relationship sailed on
Leaving me to drown with
insecurities
Labels:
Anti-Valentine's Day,
free verse,
musings,
poem,
poetry,
unrequited love
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)