I have a mundane existence. There is no variation in my day to day doings. I wake up, go to work. Come home. Repeat. I feel pressed down. I actually feel a plethora of emotions. The lost of my mom was the deepest cut. Feeling really alone in this world of 7 billion. She was the person I could talk to the most. Now I'm in a house that is falling apart, filled with clutter. I spend some of my off days chucking stuff in the rubbish. But I really need to hire somebody to move this clutter. I really don't have a social life. Never had a dating life.I feel I'm unmatchable. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I don't have any guy friends, so I really don't know anything about romance and such. I've been single all my life. I guess I probably always will be. I suppose I never put a lot of effort into romantic pursuits. I have put a lot of effort into trying to be a writer that gets published. But so far that's been a bust. All three if my manuscripts, rejected. Maybe my fourth will be the charm. It's still the only dream I have. I really would like to achieve it, even more than a relationship. I once tried self-publishing. Sold ten copies. Spent eight months on dating sites. Facebook friends with a guy, who lives in Canada. Spent thousands on hair growth this and that. Still can't rubber band a strand. I will end my mundane musings here.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2022
Mundane Musings
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Adolescent Scars
It has been a long time since I was a teenaged individual but I
remember those days more so than my years in the twenties. Although the
twenties is when there were actual songs I could relate to (thankyou,
Avril Lavigne and Michelle Branch). Of course like today there are films
aimed at teens, it was the same for me in the late nineties. She’s All That, Ten Things I hate About You, Clueless, etc. But
of course since Hollywood glosses most things over, none of those teen
movies reflected my life. There was no cute, dimpled faced boy who would
smile and hold the hand of a girl with glasses too big for her face,
skin populated with pimples and more timid than a rabbit. As a matter
fact I would have had to been made over with a full make-up kit, silken
locks, short shirt and ditched the glasses (like in She’s All That).
Then dimple boy and all boys would fall sneakers over head for me,
according to Hollywood. Because you couldn’t be uniquely yourself and
have people like you. I know foreign concept.
But I didn’t buy into what Hollywood was selling. I knew some boy wasn’t my knight in shining armor (I’m talking to you fairytale) when teenaged boys and girls are barely kids but not yet adults, so why should we put pressure on ourselves to be mating and dating by the time we’re sixteen. And then you’re made to feel some like some bizarre creature because you don’t do those things. I was the teenaged girl without the boyfriend. Heck that weren’t even my friend (boys). But I didn’t feel like my world was collapsing because my crushes chose other girls. In a Hollywood film I would have been. But I never was boy crazy. I went to the mall, I never got or gave my digits. I would hear about all the girls taking about the fine boys that talk to all night on the phone. Half of me cared and the other half didn’t.
By the time my senior year came around I still wasn’t one half of a boy/girl duo, but it didn’t bother me. I wrote poetry, love the French language, and had an after school job for two years. Prom came around, I didn’t scramble for a date or wanted to lose my virginity (a staple in Hollywood teen films). I went to prom stag. I was decked out in gold satin (the only time I have ever worn heels). I’m a flat and tennis shoe girl. So my teen years were like anything you would see on film, maybe Freaks and Geeks was truer to my life than anything else. I was awkward (still am). A book worm (still am). Didn’t grow up too fast. (No fake ids to get into clubs). My world isn’t collapsing because a guy hasn’t chosen me. I am able to decipher reel life from real life. And Hollywood doesn’t come close. (Don’t get me started on the whole need a date for a wedding thing).
But I didn’t buy into what Hollywood was selling. I knew some boy wasn’t my knight in shining armor (I’m talking to you fairytale) when teenaged boys and girls are barely kids but not yet adults, so why should we put pressure on ourselves to be mating and dating by the time we’re sixteen. And then you’re made to feel some like some bizarre creature because you don’t do those things. I was the teenaged girl without the boyfriend. Heck that weren’t even my friend (boys). But I didn’t feel like my world was collapsing because my crushes chose other girls. In a Hollywood film I would have been. But I never was boy crazy. I went to the mall, I never got or gave my digits. I would hear about all the girls taking about the fine boys that talk to all night on the phone. Half of me cared and the other half didn’t.
By the time my senior year came around I still wasn’t one half of a boy/girl duo, but it didn’t bother me. I wrote poetry, love the French language, and had an after school job for two years. Prom came around, I didn’t scramble for a date or wanted to lose my virginity (a staple in Hollywood teen films). I went to prom stag. I was decked out in gold satin (the only time I have ever worn heels). I’m a flat and tennis shoe girl. So my teen years were like anything you would see on film, maybe Freaks and Geeks was truer to my life than anything else. I was awkward (still am). A book worm (still am). Didn’t grow up too fast. (No fake ids to get into clubs). My world isn’t collapsing because a guy hasn’t chosen me. I am able to decipher reel life from real life. And Hollywood doesn’t come close. (Don’t get me started on the whole need a date for a wedding thing).
Friday, March 18, 2016
Stressed Out by twenty one pilots lyrics
This song speaks to me, I often reminisce about the good ol' days and being a kid transitioning into a teen in the 90s. I don't recall hearing about shootings all the time when I would watch the 10p.m news. Cartoons were so much better. I looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons. Now they don't exist. I use to record songs off the radio. I always hated when the DJ would take over the beginning of the song. "I'm not trying to hear you in my song." There was better music back then. Before auto tune, and talk singing. Women singers didn't resemble strippers like they do now. And there was no social media, I don't think I would be able to survive my teen years today, with the way you can be cyber bullied. I was call names like ugly, retarded and four eyed growing up. But imagine those words with horrible memes of you posted on computers and cellular devices. With that being said I would go back to the 90s with my 2016 knowledge and I would have pursued a literary career from the beginning. English was my best and favorite subject. I was drawing and writing stories at the age of 9. I should have honed my writing craft. Instead I decided to pursue computer programming which lead to failure and bad grades and dropping classes. While I was failing with ones and zeros, I could have been learning foreshadowing and other literary devices. It wasn't until after college, and futile attempts to become part of corporate America that I decided to write again. I did take some creative writing classes. So twelve years ago, which also happened to be year of the ram (my Chinese zodiac sign) I wrote my first crappy manuscript. Four manuscripts later I still have this dream but I don't care if people tell me to wake up, you need to make money. I'm tired of being stressed out.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
The End of September
Cracks in the sidewalk
of dreams
falling like leaves
littered
on the ground
a glimmer remains
The breaking dawn
brings a new beginning
by the time the moon reflects
it feels like the end of dreams
stripped bare
as a tree
standing
in cold despair
Birdsong fills the days
which are shorter
like life
without dreams
how to begin like
the rose burgeoning
through concrete
A tear trickles down
dying embers
of a flame
smothered
could it be the end?
She wondered
The end of September
of dreams
falling like leaves
littered
on the ground
a glimmer remains
The breaking dawn
brings a new beginning
by the time the moon reflects
it feels like the end of dreams
stripped bare
as a tree
standing
in cold despair
Birdsong fills the days
which are shorter
like life
without dreams
how to begin like
the rose burgeoning
through concrete
A tear trickles down
dying embers
of a flame
smothered
could it be the end?
She wondered
The end of September
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hard
Life is hard. Finding love isn't easy. You can be patient as a rock but frustration crumbles your resolve. Staring at blank pages trying to write a book with a catchy hook. In my waking dream I'm already there, a publishing phenom. But writing is hard. Getting published isn't easy. True love is more difficult. Everyone has a story to tell. Will you listen to mine?Like that rock of a mountain I will not be moved. Dreaming is easy. But making them real is hard. In my mind I hear that Journey song, "Don't stop believing" because I must continue to believe and never give up, eventhough it's hard.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Lost in Emotion
Sometimes I'm filled with dual emotions when it comes to my publishing pursuits. On one hand I'm enliven and on the other hand I'm dubious. I feel the excitement coursing through my veins when I see that my short story isn't doing too bad on webook. But then the seeds of doubt start budding every time I open an e-mail politely declining my manuscript or how my story ranks in the triple digits on autonomy. But that's life no matter what vocation you're pursuing. Sometimes you will have doubts and question whether your energy is best suited elsewhere. I have.
But I must keep the faith and continue to believe in this dream I've been dreaming for so long. This eternal flame in my heart eclipses an shadow of doubt.
But I must keep the faith and continue to believe in this dream I've been dreaming for so long. This eternal flame in my heart eclipses an shadow of doubt.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Literary Dreams
I've been honing my writing skills since 2004. Prior to that I deferred my literary dream to pursue a white-collar office job, I never even had an interview for. My post-secondary education was spent failing and retaking computer and accounting classes. All the while writing was in the background. I took two creative writing classes while in college. I had a professor, Dr. Kinder say my writing reminded her of C.S. Lewis (I hadn't read anything of his at the time). If I could time travel I would go back and take English and writng classes intead of business and computer classes were mediocrity was evident.
Writing for me didn't truly began in 2004 but in 1988 when I was nine. I use to write and illustrate my own stories, along with my cousin. Most of my characters were talking animals with a few misanthopic aliens thrown in. Writing is what I love to do.
My literary dreams began in 1988 and although I deferred them in my early twenties, the dream is still alive.
Writing for me didn't truly began in 2004 but in 1988 when I was nine. I use to write and illustrate my own stories, along with my cousin. Most of my characters were talking animals with a few misanthopic aliens thrown in. Writing is what I love to do.
My literary dreams began in 1988 and although I deferred them in my early twenties, the dream is still alive.
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